Taking the Car Keys

One day last winter, Charles Olsen, a physician in Escanaba, Michigan, was shoveling snow when an elderly neighbor backed out of her garage, scraped her car along a snow bank, crossed the street, and collided with his vehicle. "It was obvious she had no idea that my car was
there," Olsen says.

Worried that his neighbor's insurance premiums would skyrocket, Olsen didn't report the accident to the police. But he did giver her son a call. "It was an uncomfortable phone call," he says. "I hated to do it, but I told him that perhaps his mother shouldn't be on the road."

Whether the pronouncement comes from a neighbor, son, or daughter, or even a doctor, no senior likes to be told that he or she is a bad driver. Yet the day often comes when the parent who carpooled you to games and gave you driving lessons in the empty church parking lot just isn't the driver he once was Although no one likes to be the messenger, there are ways to help get you through that conversation, says Dr. Alice Pomidor, associate professor of geriatrics at Florida State University in Tallahassee. "Focus on your concern for their health and well-being," she says. "And be prepared to answer the question, 'If I don't drive, how am I going to get around?'" Here's more help:

• Suggest they give the car to a grandchild. "Giving the car away is a face saver," says Pomidor. They can tell their friends that their granddaughter needed the car.
• Talk to your parent from direct experience. Don't take your teenager's word that, "Grandma nearly got us killed today." Ride with your parent yourself.
• Have the conversation somewhere other than in the car. Bring up the subject later. Never crack a joke about their driving. Ask about friends who drive but who shouldn't be on the road. They'll often make the connection between these folks and themselves.
• If your parent becomes defensive and agitated, droop the conversation and bring ut up again a day or two later, after they've had a chance to cool off, or perhaps reconsider.
• Present alternatives to driving. Do your homework o volunteer drivers, van services, senior shuttles, taxis, and buses. Even in trural areas, there are always alternatives. "But be prepared to take up some of the slack yourself and drive your parent," says Pomidor.
• Make sure you are addressing the right parent. Sometimes the non-driving parent-often the wife-covers up for the spouse's deficits, or believes he is sage as long as she rides along. "She may have a lot invested in his driving," said Pomidor. "She may be the one you have to convince."
• Enroll your parent in a driving course and agree to abide by the decision of the driving instructor, says Karlend Ball, director ot the Center for Research on Applied Gerontology at the University of Alabama at Birmingham.
• If none ot this works, for safety's sake, you should refuse to let your children ride with them.

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